my apology

(Latest 20 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (User info)
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

6:15PM - New Years Resolution for 2010

I'm not going to apologize anymore for things that I didn't do wrong or things that aren't in my control.

I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I'm going to stand up for myself and have the confidence like I used to.

I'm not going to feel bad anymore about the way people are...thats just how it is and if I don't like it, I just have to move on.

I'm going to start enjoying the things I used to and take time for myself more often.

Oh and I need to start saving up money...a lot of money.

Current mood: pensive

Current music: saves the day - stay what you are

(in the sky)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

8:18AM - blah

i came to the realization today that it doesn't matter if I'm around at all anymore. This is not saying im suicidal in any sense....just saying that people don't care if we hang out or not anymore. i have become a recluse. And i tell myself I dont care... but then why does it bother me sooo much? why do i care that no one calls? or stops by? i just dont understand. and its making me feel like there's something wrong with me. All these years of people coming in and out of my life.

oh..guess i should update since my last entry that Im getting married next october. crazy huh?

Current mood: cold

(2 stars | in the sky)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

6:22AM - So i write twice a year...

I dont know... decided to logon. its weird seeing old entries, mainly because I only tend to write when im upset. soooo unload time......I dont know why the friend thing keeps bugging me! I mean seriously, its because of all these stupid online communities and reading people's updates...etc. I mean we are now merely virtual friends. Why dont i just delete my accounts or delete my "friends". Because im masochistic i suppose. i need to see how much fun people are having without me in their lives. Sigh. Its soo silly. And on top of all that drama drama drama with my parents. i cannot wait for this vacation to start. i need a break from everyone, from work, family, the internet. im so exhausted. i need to find myself again. find my happiness. i get so worried about everything all the time. I dont want to NOT care but i want to find a happy medium.

hope my voice comes back today... ive been sick almost a week now :(


add-on: Ok so i just read like the last 20 entries i made. MY GOD was I a hot mess!!! I was emotionally unstable. I was the one who was the bad friend. I shouldnt have moved...i think things would be ALOT different if i stayed and did want I wanted to do or followed through with the commitments i made to my friends and not some guy(s). Always a downfall to my existence is men. I KNOW now that it wont happen again. This time is for real...in more ways then i can (or want) to explain.

Current mood: anxious

Current music: matt & kim

(1 star | in the sky)

Monday, January 19, 2009

Saturday, November 15, 2008

7:53AM - forever and a day

I can't believe i can still log onto this thing. Wow, things have changed over the last two years. For the better I believe. Sharing my life finally with someone that is worth it. And that gives 110% back himself. I never thought I would be this lucky. I honestly thought I'd probably be alone and find myself in my late 30s settling for some douchebag cuz I didnt hold myself in a higher regard. Well, i guess i hit the lottery with this one.

I guess there is really only one thing that makes me unhappy. My "friend" situation. Maybe now im just becoming a hater.. or maybe Im just not as naive as Ive always been and im seeing people for the way they are. Either way, I dont have any friends. I feel completely abandoned by the people i used to care sooo much about. And i feel like ive tried. Yes i dont go to bars anymore...why? cuz i dont like to and i dont like drinking anymore. And this isnt because im in a relationship cuz i was like this even before. Im just tired of spending my time in a stinky ass bar watching people get wasted. So i invite people to come over to watch a movie or go out to dinner... and well, no one wants to do that, heavens no... thats too mundane. Well, geez, sorry i have a 9-5 that dont like going out the night before. It just pisses me off cuz I feel like ive always been there for my friends and now they just threw me to the curb... cuz im not the one driving out to the bar to meet up with them. Forgot about calling or coming over... i guess we werent as good of friends as i had thought. It just makes me sad. Joe has his friends and they come over or ask him to go to dinner... and sure i go with them and its nice... but it makes me said because i just wish my friends would be like that. Always stand by you no matter what...whatever. I guess im just not worth it to some people... or i should say everyone that i used to consider a really good friend. I sick of puttin myself out there for people and getting taken advantage of and shit... I used to think, well they'll be sorry when im gone... But no, honestly I dont think they'd give a shit. So I hope one day i can get out of this city/town with joe and just forget all these people and all this bullshit. seriously. fuck it.

Current mood: sad

(4 stars | in the sky)

Monday, October 2, 2006

11:28AM - the part that i dont get

is why life happens in cycles. Like i understand there is a down for every up, but come on! Cant someone enjoy the up for a little longer. geezus christ honestly. Im sick of this bullshit. ok i need to vent because otherwise im about to go postal.
SO for starters i feel like a complete douchebag. why? Because im moving back to detroit in 2 and a half weeks. thats one. Let me put it this way. During this entire relationship, i have been the bad guy. Havent david moved, i feel like i had the ultimate decision to keep what we had going. He wanted to... and so did i. BUT it was up to me whether i was willing to move out with him or not. And so i did. If i didnt though, i would have been the bad guy, i would have been the one "dumping" him. Ok fine. So here i am, and i dont like it. I never wanted to move to cali before i met him. i wanted to move but in my mind it was chicago. So granted i didnt know i wasnt gonna like it out here and im glad that i tried it. But why is it SO WRONG that i decided that i dont want to live somewhere that is so goddamn far away from my friends and my family?? WHY IS IT SO WRONG? So now that i am the one moving back, i am the one doing the "dumping". I am automatically the bad guy. But oh wait! did anyone seem to forget the fact that HE IS THE ONE THAT LEFT ME FIRST!!!!! does that not click in people's heads? cuz i know he is going around telling his friends how i am dumping him and all that shit. god, i am so sorry i dont want to live far away from the other people i love too, like my brothers and my sisters, and like jackie, brendan, and nick. the only people that i feel (aside from david) that understand me and care about me.
So now i go home and i start over. Find a job, save some money, and move out again. Go back to school, im really gonna curb going to the bar too when i get back. I want to remain focused. Another part of being back at home has really gotten my head all fucked up. Things between me and david are great and im leaving it to be back home. And i start thinking about any possibilities back home and i dont think anyone will care about me, understand me, or respect me the way he does. And that freaks me out. i am convinced that 90% of the male population all act the same. And so what makes me think that i will find anyone like dave ever again. I wont! He is not only in the ten percent but in the top 5% of the remaining 10%. if that makes any sense at all.
So thats teh other thing that is buggin me. And its not like im trying to replace david already but honestly, i am not very optomistic about us having a chance after this. I mean, come on, how is it possibly gonna work out with someone that lives 2000 miles away and that is already telling his friends and probably his family that i have dumped him and that he is single. Go ahead and be singe then! you dont seem so broken up over it. and i'll go home and be alone but at least i wont feel like a loser anymore. That is the worse feeling i can possibly have about myself. Feeling like i am an insignificant nothing. And thats what i am right now. But when i get home that is all gonna change. im gonna get a jb, go back to school, and get a place, save some money. Do what i have to do to make myself happy. And then this is this thing with aaron. I dont know why i am so upset. like i should have known after i left things werent going to be anything at all. I guess its myspace fault, and i can see the really pretty girl he is after. And since i am already feeling VERY insecure about myself because of the current situation, seeing her isnt making me feel any better about myself.
i hope that when i get home i can get things moving rather quickly. id hate to disappoint jackie if i cant be ready to move in january like i want to. its gonna be hard but this is what i want.I guess the thing im not looking forward to is all the explanations about why i am coming back. I hate having to explain myself because i automatically feel judged and that people wont get it anyway.

i need to stop worrying about what other people think. You'd think i would be past all that now. I think im better than i used to be. Like it doesnt dictate my life. But it makes me upset still.

i need to find something to do right now.

end

Current mood: cranky

Current music: radiohead ~ok computer~

(2 stars | in the sky)

Monday, September 18, 2006

8:07PM - da-da-da-dummmmm

Its an unofficial, official return to live journal. ive missed you too buddy. its been a long time.

Current mood: amused

Current music: i love you but ive chosen darkness

(in the sky)

Thursday, March 2, 2006

6:33PM - love is another word for regret.

so this is the part where i freak out because that is what i do best. i dont think i could go any long extended period of time without freaking out otherwise id feel strange. yes it is true i am crazy in the head.

ha

fucking ha

so where do i start? hmmmm maybe the fact that im trying to maintain a relationship with someone 3000 miles away!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!?!?!?!? seriously. ive never done this before. i can barely stand being away from certain people for a few days let alone months at a time. so here is where i question everything. my feelings for him, his feelings for me. are they strong enough? does he really care about me as much as he says? what is he holding on to? honestly. "why would he want to be tied down to you. what are you to him? you're nothing special that would make him wait for you".... maybe thats true maybe its all true. maybe im just pretending like this will have some fairy tale ending. but it wont. how can it? how can i possibly expect someone who knew me for two months to push everyone else to the back burner and wait for me? i dont even know when i could get out there... i'll visit sure. but then what? BUT THEN WHAT!?!?!?! what do i do then? i want to move out there but i have the worst feeling that when im ready (which cant be any earlier than july because of my lease here in ferndale)... is he still gonna be there? is this all going to be in vain?

jackie i know you said that i should move only if I want to... and that i should do it for myself... and yea, i want it so badly for myself. but goddammit ive never been so torn to pieces by something before. i feel like if i was cool enough to be living in california he would be with me in a second... but no i live here and he's there. and he took my heart with him and didnt bother sending it back. i lvoe when songs just fucking nail it right on the head

fucking a- new found gloryi wake up
something more than what i'm supposed to be
something more than i have meant to show.
how was i supposed to know
that i've wanted, and i've waited.

and i can be the one
to show you that life's not simple enough.
and i can be the one
to tell you i've held this back for too long.

and my heart aches...
these feelings i've held inside for you.
and my heart aches...
how can I stop the pain?

why if i dont hear from him for a day i freak out? im freaking out right now because i havent heard from him. did i bother to call him? NO! why?!!?!?!? because im scared. im upset i dont want him to talk to me like this... all frazzled and dismayed. i cant talk to anyone about this without them thinking ive gone completely insane. seriously

what the fuck am i doing?

these feelings are owning me. its like i cant function. i feel like i got dumped but i know i havent. god this is so fucked up... i dont like it at all.

Current mood: crushed

Current music: tears for fears

(6 stars | in the sky)

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

5:41PM

so i have a feeling that something is terribly wrong? does anyone else ever get that feeling? i hope that this will pass soon. i dont like it.

so i was listening to the first "further seems forever" cd. and i forget what great lyrics it has.

"These bonds were always fake
crafted for safety's sake.
But pasted wings,
and foil rings
do not an angel make."

"This winter is lasting forever,
at least for tonight.
And I know that you're never leaving,
until your flight,
takes you off,
and out of my arms,
and into the air,
so far from your charms,
that I can not bare,
another year,
in this long forgotten beach town,
we once shared."

"To hold you now
it is a far cry more than anything that I deserve.
I'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring
I'd give you my life
cause I don't own anything.
It seemed like the bottle was all that I had until now
I'd give you my life
if you'd give me yours somehow."

"Well just for the moment, just one more time
just one more second and we'll be just fine
this could be just, just in case it's the last time."

man ive been in such a girly mood lately. ive been flooding myself with chick flicks like "in her shoes" (the one with cameron diaz and shirley mclaine) and "just like heaven" (with reese witherspoon and mark ruffalo). i did happen to mix it up there with "waiting" and "grandma's boy" ... otherwise i think that it would have resulted in me laying in bed all day watching chick flick after flick eating a pint of ice cream (preferably mint chocolate chip). why? i have no idea. i guess its just one of those things.

Current mood: indifferent

Current music: fall of troy

(1 star | in the sky)

Friday, February 3, 2006

Thursday, February 2, 2006

3:59PM - a reflection of january... jan in review

i suppose another long awaited update from yours truly...

where do i even begin. this month has been a bit of a rollercoaster. some amazing things have happened... and somethings not so amazing anymore have ended. i guess thats what happens as time moves quickly ahead. i feel like i missed something along the way. but here i am trying to go over everything that has changed...and those things that have stayed the same.

i dont think i can really put an order to any of this cuz its really been a blur. ive never been good at structuring things that i write anyway.

meeting dave was probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time. it is actually scaring the shit out of me, these feelings that i have. honestly it feels like it did when tony and i first got together 4years ago. everything just becomes second to him...its strange. like talking to other poeple isnt really that high on my list. and the thing is that its not like all my time is consumed by him..how could it be? he's been gone for almost two weeks. but my thoughts are so preoccupied about him that i lose all sense of time... its strange. i mean, not unusual, but it has happened only rarely in my life. i could go on and on about how amazing he is. but in a nutshell, i dont think i have ever met someone as gorgeous, thoughtful, compassionate, caring, considerate, motivated, driven, accomplished, etc, etc. seriously who would have thought that the day would come that i would meet someone that has shit going for him, has his shit together as is, who i think is smokin hot, and is totally into me. just wow. thats all i can say.

so no one knows this but i went to chicago on monday. i went to see tony and his band play in dundee illinois and then we headed back to downtown chicago (me, tony, signs of collapse, brian + katie, and robinson). 13 or 14 people, two hotel rooms, 4 beds, tons of booze and weed. it was so much fun. why did i go out there? you ask... well... i guess in some odd twisted way i wanted to test myself. i wanted to figure out where i am in life, what i want to do/be... and who i want to share that with. i got out of work on monday at 230 picked up brian and katie... who are super amazing people and it was a blast driving with them the 5+ hours it took to get there. i barely knew them but i think we meshed well. ended up driving in the dark for about a good 45 minutes in a blizzard... *very scary*. finally arriving at the venue just as soc started their set. it took tony a few but then he noticed me from the stage. motioned a kiss in my direction. it was really great to see him perform, he was amazing. the rest of the night goes as follows... i was instructed to "mingle" and so i did, meeting all the guys from both bands, all of which i thought were really nice/cool/etc. made a stop at this metal bar "delilah's" which would have been ok minus the one guy out of all of is that was only 20... and tony getting all shitty mood and what not. after literally staying there for 20 minutes... we hit up a couple liquor stores... wow, i cant believe all the shit those guys ripped off from those stores... booze, food... i was having a freakin heartattack seriously. so we get the hotel room and i slyly convinced the lady that we all were NOT staying the night. *although that was lie* the security guy only came up there once to tell us to keep it down... *hahahahha WHISPER PARTY!!!!!*.... so after getting smashed with booze and smoke. i stumbled to the other room away from everyone... brian and katie were in the one bed and i crawled into the other. tony decided to smoke his brains out and came to bed finally all pissed at me cuz he thought i was trying to get with the merch guy.... hahhahahha which is fucking ridiculous. hence me laying in the other room away from everyone... so tony passes out in a quick minute...so i motion for james to crawl into bed with us (instead of the floor)...and him and i talked for awhile. honestly i really really enjoyed talking to him and i think id rather be lying next to him than tony. so point is there was no sex. nor making out or anything. so i wake up the next morning feeling like a weight has been lifted. and leaving with giving him only kisses didnt bother me at all.... so what does this mean??? im finally over it! and now i can start something with dave and not have to worry about any relapses. honestly this is the first time in a long long time that ive been totally into a guy and havent gone back to someone else (i.e. mainly tony).

thing i will remember the most from the trip was brian telling me over and over and over again how much he hates chicago "i fucking hate this town" hahahhaha we left at 930am the next day after going to bed at 6am and drove all the way home got back at 330. babysat for a few then passed out.

its scary cuz i dont know whats gonna happen in the near future but this newfound purity and openness is a great feeling. i think alot of this has to do with what i want in life right now. i want someone that is willing to work jsut as hard as i am to keep something together. i mean im hoping this is the year i make a big decision in my life. well several decisions. one being where im gonna go to grad school and what i want to go there for. two schools at the top of my list are: argosy university in san francisco and the chicago school of professional psychology. both look really great. im scared. i dont really want to leave.. but i dont think that i want to stay around here for grad school... i mean, maybe, its an option. but even if its here, its gonna require a move cuz i know i dont want to go to oakland u or wayne state. i hope that whatever happens that certain people will come with me. mainly jackie. i mean im gonna miss things around here but i know that if shes around i will be ok. i feel like im a lot of talk and no action but i know that when it really comes down to it... for me to make this decision... i will and i wont look back.

things are different around here. im not so attached to people anymore. i think that over the last few years just by supporting myself ive realized that im really the only one i can count on. i cant assume that someone else is always gonna be there. even my parents. like i know as much as the care about me and my well-being, they cant take care of me. they dont have the means. its kind of a scary thought, not having the parental safety net to fall back on but i dont feel like ive had that in a long time. i feel like i grew up alot faster becuase of it and became alot more controlling and stubborn as well. *sigh*... i feel certain people drifting away. it suppose it was bound to happen... time/life gets in the way. i wish i could devote more time to the people that i know and care about but at this stage you have to be choosy. it sucks, but ive never been one to have a ridiculous multitude of friends. it would just take too much out of me.

i want a new job... i dont want to work there anymore. all i know is that before i quit im telling my boss *who is 27? 28?* that i has a crush on him for like 4 years. man, is he something. wowza. but if he seriously hasnt caught onto me diggin him after all this time then he's an idiot, seriously.

dont talk to the boys that much anymore... it makes me sad i wish that we could still be close but i know that is a selfish thing on my part. i know why things are like this... i dont want them to be but i really dont have a choice in the matter. i just hope that my friendship with nakeddave isnt one that will completely fizzly out because of this. cuz i would like nothing more than to be life long friends with him.

another set of information that i came across was the fact that steve is dating this 18 yr old. and i cant help but assume that he was "seeing her" the entire time he was "seeing me"... what a shady ass motherfucker.... i feel like an idiot for wasting ten months!!! on that kid. lesson learned i suppose... but he did teach me that i should expect people to give me more than i have been given. and i dare say there were moments when he was genuine about me being a great person and really enjoying spending time with me. that was apparant. it hurts that i told him how i got horribly fucked over in the past and all these really really personal things... to be met by yet another rejection by him. i hope this isnt a pattern, blah.

im having issues with the way i look lately... maybe cuz im exhausted and i feel like ive been putting zero effort into my appearance. so i guess im dis-satisfied with myself.

i think i need a nap cuz ive been soooo super exhausted lately.

so end.

Current mood: weird

Current music: vhs or beta

(2 stars | in the sky)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

12:55PM - why are you so far away?

god, im so confused....

Current mood: cold

Current music: goldfrapp "strict machine"

(in the sky)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

10:25PM

i guess i havent found a need to update in this here journal so much anymore. and its not even that i dont have the time because i do. but i guess i just have a lack of things to say. or actually... i think its because there is too much to say that explaining things at this point is impossible. either way, the new year has brought changes. and so far its been good. i look different i feel different and im finally anticipating something great happening this year without the cynical undertone that i usually take. im happy. for better or worse there is something that has made me feel that no matter the outcome, things are ok. perhaps it was someone. i dont know.

saw "pride and prejudice" last night and i was blown away. i want to be in love like that. but i have to keep reminding myself its only a movie.

sometimes i get so lost in my thoughts that i forget the important things that are going on around me. i wouldnt say its being self-absorbed in a negative way, but my mind is pulling me in all directions with so many thoughts and questions that i suppose is making me seem distant or preoccupied. because i really am. and its not just what or whom, but everything... i think now that i have finished school and have this time on my hands, im actually getting the opportunities to sit back evaluate, reevaluate, without any real conclusions about where im going in this life, why, and how. maybe im just in the transitional period because i dont have the security of being in school anymore, and i actually need to make decisions for the future. its not that i dont want to but its that i have been putting it off. for what? for late nights out with friends, and watching movies. but this time off has been refreshing. relaxing. i'll be sorry when its over.

i wish my mom would get back so i can go home and go to bed.. .actually correction so i can go home and see if he'll come over.

end

Current mood: cold

Current music: monica dont ask me why

(in the sky)

Monday, January 2, 2006

Monday, December 26, 2005

4:22PM - Taken from sworgland... THANKS!!!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
i tried alot of new things this year, some good, some bad...

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont have resloutions, i make goals...
a. relearn french
b. learn guitar
c. start working out
d. start painting/drawing again

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yea, Sabrina and jessica... what a year for babies

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no fortunately

5. What countries did you visit?
a practically lived in canada for awhile

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a steady

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Oct 8th... the night of the infamous bday bash up in lansing

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE!!!!

9. What was your biggest failure?
getting invloved with people/things i shouldnt have

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yeah, a broken heart

11. Favorite Purchase?
digital camera

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
ummmm.... i cant think of anyone that deserves a celebration for their behavior

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
pretty much everyone's

14. Where did most of your money go?
food, gas, school

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
random trips to chicago and toronto, the new friends i made, moving out on my own again

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
bloc party "banquet"


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder
the majority of the year i was ALOT happier but right now things seem to be finally balancing themselves
ii. thinner or fatter?
fatter
iii. richer or poorer?
poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
reading books other than my text books, spent more time with my family

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
getting upset about someone

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with fam

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
i fell in love once this year......

23. How many one-night stands?
one...

24. What was your favorite TV program?
family guy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yes

26. What was the best book you read?
"survivor"

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I basically got introduced to a shitload of indie that i never knew before... to name a few: bloc party, the dears, the bravery, sufjan stevens, brendan benson, metric, the 22-20s, death from above 1979, etc

28. What did you want and get?
great living situation

29. What did you want but did not get?
something with someone in particular

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
oo tough one... lets do rememorable ones: crash, hotel rwanda, madagascar, brokeback mountain, corpse bride, charlie and the chocolate factory, jarhead, sin city

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
had ahuge bash in lansing with great people, got sloppily drunk and went ot a cider mill the next day... i turmed 22

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
indi-emocore dirty rocker

34. What kept you sane?
Dave, jackie, becky, and ton-ay

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
ryan gosling and jake gyllenhall

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
torture, UN peacekeeping, the Iraq War

37. Who was the best new person you met?
steve

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
you cant always have what you want. and things dont always turn the way you plan, but you have to just go with it and keep your head up and never let them get you down

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

i have two:


"I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of myself that I have never seen
Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun
And I guess these things just tend to fall apart
And I hope you feel the same"

"I have never cried in anybody's arms
The way that I have often cried in yours
Please be the one to take my tears away
I was 22, I've had my share of views
I just can't steal that "happiness" from you
But I'll be the one to take your tears away
I can't believe the things you say
tell me, tell me
tell me the lies
Fasting love will lead us all to nowhere
When, when will we learn
I shall avenge the death of all the romance
Until, until I'm gone"

Current mood: dirty

Current music: gorillaz "dare"

(1 star | in the sky)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

9:15PM

Five years ago,
it was Winter 2000 Take this quiz, post the results,
and see how much things have changed since then.

How old were you?:
17
What grade were you in?:
senior in high school
Where did you go to school?:
Stevenson
Where did you work?:
waitressing at big boys
Where did u live?:
with my parents in sterling heights
Where did you hang out?:
CONEY!!!!
How was your hair style?:
long, brown hair, curly
Did you wear braces?:
yes!
Did you wear glasses?:
no
Who was your best friend?
most likely Crystal
Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend:
pretty sure i didnt have one. my first boyfriend was at the end of my senior year
Who was your celebrity crush?:
Brandon Boyd
Who was your regular-person crush:
Jimmy
How many piercings did you have?:
4 in my ears
How many tattoos did you have?:
none
What was your favorite band/group?:
the get up kids
What was your biggest fear?
tornadoes
Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
No
Had you gotten drunk or high yet?:
no not at all
Had you driven yet?:
yes
------------------------------------------------------
!!! LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
How old are you?:
22
What grade are you in?
graduating from college!!!
Where do you go to school?:
Oakland University
Where do you work?:
waitressing at the Original Pancake House
Where do u live?
Ferndale with the best roomies ever
Where do you hang out?
The Loop, my house, the rock room, or my house!
How is your hair style?:
long and black
Do you wear braces?:
No
Do you wear glasses?:
no
Who is your best friend?
girl: jackie boy: dave
Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend?:
hahaha dont have one
Who is your celebrity crush?:
currently ryan gosling or jake gyllenhaal
Who is your regular-person crush?:
i cant tell you
How many piercings do you have?:
6 in ears, 2 in nipples
How many tattoos do you have?:
five
What's your favorite band?
Glassjaw, the getup kids, or incubus
What is your biggest fear?:
tornadoes
Have you smoked a cigarette yet?:
yea...but only when im wasted
Have you gotten drunk or high yet?:
guilty of both
Have you driven yet?:
all the time


this was fun! sweeeeeeeeeeeet thanks darryl *muah*

Current mood: cold

Current music: the dears

(2 stars | in the sky)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

6:48PM - somebody's two cents

you're an asshole

by the way... SCHOOL IS OFFICIALLY OVER!!!!!!!!
i graduate on saturday..whoot whoot

end

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: panic! at the disco

(2 stars | in the sky)

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

8:04PM - dont read my fucking journal

i dont know why i feel the need to justify myself to someone's stupid comment on my livejournal. but i do. there is a reason i have a livejournal. its not attract attention or have a pity party. i write in it because its the only outlet i have to write about things that i dont want to talk to other people about. yes, granted my livejournal is typically about boys and relationships and what not. so what of it? it was brought to my attention that i need to get a hobby and stop pining over boys blah blah blah. well, lets set the record straight.

i will be graduating from college in less than two weeks with my bachelor degree in psychology
i work 40 hours a week waitressing
i go to the bar every thursday and saturday (typically) with my best friends and have the best time ever.
If i have ANY free time, its usually going/watching to the movies, hanging out with my family or my roommates, making t-shirts, or sitting on the computer downloading music.

so? i dont have a life apparantly and i waste all my time hung up on relationships instead of writing a script or painting or playing music. how would you even know that? all i write about is my relationship problems cuz thats what i want to talk about. everything else in my life is for the most part great. so yea, the fact that the only thing im worried about is finding someone isnt that bad considering most people my age dont know what the hell they are doing with their life.

i hate when people try to tell me to "get over" something in my livejournal. im not gonna censor what i write about. apparantly im pathetic and waste my time on pining over guys. i guess my only solution is to be glued to the internet and write about every great thing that happens to me everyday so i dont seem so obsessed with this apparant problem i have. hmmm seems the only logical answer. thank you so much whoever you are for putting my life into perspective for me. wow, you are amazing. i hope you could tell how ridiculously sarcastic im being

end.

p.s. you want a half-way decent journal entry. fine heres more:

my parents are getting a divorce. they have been married for 18 years and have 4 children including myself. my brothers and sister still live with them and two of them are very young. im afraid they are getting damaged emotionally by being there. if i could take care of them i would but i cant, just to get them out of the house. i get phone calls 3-4 times a week from one or the other parent telling me how horrible their life is. and how they arent happy and what should they do. ive become a therapist to my family. Not on purpose of course. i hear about things that i dont want to know about, about things they've done in the past and shitty things they have done to each other. it makes me sad to think that two people could be so miserable. holidays are a joke and only bring on feelings of isolation and awkwardness, not of love and happiness. ive tried to tell them to go to a counselor but my efforts are going no where. perhaps they could work it out, but as of this moment, they are staying together for the kids.

Current mood: cranky

Current music: saves the day

(3 stars | in the sky)

Friday, November 25, 2005

12:50PM

if i was going to say say one thing about the holidays it would be that: I FUCKING HATE THE HOLIDAYS....

you know what i was thankful for yesterday:
+ sleeping in my bed
+ cuddling with him
+ watching adult swim. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ADULT SWIM for making my life a little less horrible for those few but glorious hours.
+ nostalgia at 2am
+ amazing fucking turkey dinner. yummm
+ good phone conversations
+ friends that will change my tire at 330am and let me crash on their couch

NOT thankful for:
- my parents fighting
- half the family not showing up
- my brother leaving me at 6 1/2 mile and vandyke
- blowing out my tire (fuck you bell tire $135 pssshhhh)
- feeling hungover most of the day
- not hearing from certain people

thank god its over.

end

Current mood: fat

Current music: a new found glory "broken sound"

(3 stars | in the sky)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

5:24PM

so next summer (i.e. leaving this state) cant come soon enough... this cold is settling in for the long haul. im not ready, im not ready for a lot of things. im not ready to let go, im not ready to move on, im not ready to be friends, im not ready for it to be over. this is a reflection of every aspect of my life right now... things are changing so fast. and im still trying to make sense of what happened weeks ago. its overwhelming. i think the lack of sleep is bringing about this sudden but drastic drop in confidence/faith/security, cuz at this very moment right now, i wont nothing more than to be alone and have nothing to do with anyone. my trust in people is basically out the window and i feel like im setting myself up to be the fool, yet i dont change. winter seems to be the best time to hermit and become forgettable. id rather do that than the alternative. wishing, hoping, striving for things that will never come true. im putting the hopeless romantic bit to bed, its starting to kill me. literally. im seconds away from chopping off all my hair. im seconds away from throwing in the towel with school. im seconds away from leaving and never coming back. im sure i could get to at least iowa before someone would notice. depressed? sure, but who isnt? i dont need hand outs or hugs. i know im gonna be ok, but i just dont think that i could ever do it here. theres too much baggage, too much never working out. too much that hurts.

end.

i cant believe you even came near me last night after i saw you there at the bar with your girl... ahhaha you have no tact, seriously, why would i ever want to see/speak to you again?....

side note: i wish i could reach you... but i think its too far and too late.

side note 2: im pretty sure you only like me beacuse....

Current mood: exhausted as a mofo

Current music: the casket lottery "in the meantime"

(4 stars | in the sky)

Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)